Naveen

Monday, October 08, 2007

Cutie Pageant!!

Hey Everyone!

Hope all is swell with anyone who has taken the time to navigate to this page! And to show my appreciation, I'm about to give you all ... HOMEWORK! Take out those assignment pads... I'll wait...

Okay, Here's what you need to do. Go to this site

timeout.com

and vote for KALI. This is a "cutest pet in New York" pageant and Kali (my girlfriend's dog... who also goes by the name of "Doggie") (well, it's actually her roommate's dog if we're getting technical) is entered and is the rightful winner. She is up against a stuck-up little snot named "Bonkers". Now, I don't want to say that a vote for Bonkers is a vote for terrorism, but sadly that is exactly the case. Kali must win!

I mean... Come on! look at that smile!

In other news... I ran the BAA half marathon for the second time yesterday. This time I tried to look right at the camera and smile as I crossed the finish line (despite being what is called "legally comatose") Hopefully the pic comes out hilarious. The best part of these races is that they take your picture crossing the line... you ordinarilly look like crap

i.e.

Then they mail them too you... with the pictures in plain site for anyone who happens to share a "mail area" with you in your apartment. So, anyway, stay tuned for those! And of course, thanks to the small crew I had there rallying around me! Couldn't have done it without you!

Lastly, is anybody else doing Fantasy Football? To give you a hint as to how well my season is going thus far. These are my three quarterbacks (and their team record) Chad Pennington (Jets 1-4), Drew Breese (Saints 0-4) Trent Green (Dolphins 0-5). Let the good times roll!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

So, what are you doing after this heist?

Note: I'm trying something new here. Since I'm (admittedly) not making much use of my blog. I'm renting it out to guest columnists on Wednesdays for opinions, reviews, whatever you'd like. Here is the first installment.

Guest Columnist:
Harvey Braun

I knew it the moment I saw you. I knew it when I looked into those deep sparkling and vulnerable raven eyes: peering out from beneath your jet black ski mask. I knew it when I heard your strong, fearless voice yell out “Don’t do anything stupid, Mother f*&kers!” I knew then that I must somehow make you mine. That is, of course, if you’re free after this heist goes down.

Ordinarily I can separate business from pleasure. I know there’s a job to be done and everyone has a role. The whole is greater than the sum of its poarts. Bla Bla Bla. And believe me, 9 times out of 10, I can stay as focused on my job as a fat, autistic mouse plowing through a bag of Cheez-Its. And normally when a petrified hostage reaches in his pocket for an inhaler, I’m not caught off guard and I don’t blow him away with my semi-automatic 400mm full-sized Uzi Carbine thinking he was pulling out a gun. But not when I’m threatening people’s lives next to Aphrodite herself. I mean, that’s not even fair.

I’m fixated, smitten, hopelessly drawn to you. Excuse me a second… LET ME SEE THOSE HANDS ASSHOLE!!!

Where was I? Oh yes, it was the Divine Hand of fate that brought us here today. I had never in my wildest dreams thought that the Divine Hand of fate would take the form of a non-descript off-white utility van but lo and behold that is just what happened. We are two old souls who have found each other at last. You are the Yang to my Yin, the Entering the my Breaking, the T to my LC.

What did the boss just say? I was lost in your eyes again. It sounded kind of like "We've been made" but I can't be sure. I am too transfixed. If I could only see that beautiful face of yours... I know you don't want it identified in the survelience tape but I just can't help myself. I'm aching for it. At least give me a nod to let me know you have no hideous scars. What am I saying? That isn't even important. The only thing that matters is us. Well, that and making sure Teller #4 doesn't try to be a hero. STAY ON THE GROUND PAL!

And if for some reason we don’t make it out of this bank today before the SWAT team finishes assembling and something goes wrong, just know that we will meet again in Paradise. We will laugh, dance and cavort (assuming cavort means what I think it means) with the angels. And then perhaps we can finish off the afternoon robbing those same angels. I wonder if anyone has ever thought to do that before. I’d bet angels are loaded with riches. Oh, sorry, I’m getting off track.

Rest assured of one undeniable fact, my darling: it isn't just 74.4 million dollars in unmarked bills and government bonds you have stolen here today, you have also commited grand larceny on my heart.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

thoughts and links while I recover from taking a header on 6th Ave.

So, it appears the Saber-Toothed Cat was not as powerful as we all thought it was.

I know, I know. I couldn't believe it either. But since we know it is true, I now have just one thing to say: "In your face, saber-toothed enthusiasts! How does it feel!!" My question here is what kind of researchers and scientists sit around and think "Hmmm, I really need to take this long-extinct, 10,000 year old cat down a couple a pegs."

I have decided to declare all-out war against high-fructose corn syrup. (this is like the kind of Super Sugar that Satan would put in his coffee). If you've enjoyed anything today that said "low fat" but still tasted good, chances are it was swimming in high-fructose corn syrup... so the joke is on you. Why just yesterday I discovered that I've been lied to by the people at Yoplait for years. I hope the next message on the lid I peel off says "we just shortened your life by a few hours."

By the way, anyone who is a fan of Wikipedia. Just know that I typed in "high-fructose cord syrup" and they could not figure out what I meant. There wasn't even a Did you mean...? message a la Google. They were too baffled to even ask for a hint. Idiots. No wonder it's so easy for me to write fake bios of people I hate. "You might have thought James Finnegan would have tired himself out during his 40 year stint selling secrets to the Nazis, but still he found the time to run over the elderly."

Okay, obviously I'm late to the party. Who the hell is
Hannah Montana? Is this the best time to be the Disney Channel's next big sensation? Look at the train you'd be hitching yourself to: Britney... Lindsay... uh, Raven...

(and in case you're wondering... yes, Yahoo News is the only place I go for my info)

Congratulations to Barry Bonds!! 762 times hitting the ball out and then standing there watching it like a tool instead of running the bases.

A woman is suing Apple 1 million dollars because they lowered the price of the iPhone by 200 dollars. I was so upset by this article that I sued CNN $2 million for posting it.

Here's an exerpt from a report on Si.com of the greatest collapses in MLB history:

12) 1908 Giants lose pennant to Cubs

What the math says: 21-to-1 against. The Giants' playoff odds peaked at 95.46 percent on Sept. 18 with about 20 games left to play, at which time they had a 4 1/2-game lead on the Cubs.

really? So on Sept 18, 1908 a bunch of dorks were on the internet chatting with each other about the 95.46 percent chance their team had of making the playoffs?? unlikely.

Okay, since this blog wasn't all that funny, Here's a little something for making it all the way to the end.

You guys are the best!

Monday, September 24, 2007

overheard at WWE Raw last week...

IF

you have the heart of a champion... if you possess the drive, determination and desire to push yourself to the furthest limits of your being...

IF

you can stare down fear and laugh at it...

IF

you can fight off intimidation, brush aside any feelings of remorse and destroy anything that gets in your way...

IF

you can look deep inside your soul and search out the cold, merciless, blood-thirsty animal inside... harness every ounce of srength... and rise above the pain, the agony, the pure torture...

IF

you sieze every opportunity that comes your way and cling to it like it was the hand of a loved one dangling over a cliff... and scream to the world 'THIS IS MY MOMENT! THIS IS MY DREAM! THIS IS WHAT I'VE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO AND NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE IT FROM ME!'...

IF

you have THAT kind of passion... to crush the competition and be the best this world has ever seen... then YOU could one day be in the main event of Monday Night Raw! ... But not tonight. Tonight, it is Randy Orton against John Cena's dad."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Late Night /Rent Hike

Here is why The Daily Show won the Emmy: On their first show back since the O.J. story broke, not only did they expose about 8 national newscast, ALL OF WHICH used the same "I guess what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas" joke. (seriously? that's the best you guys could come up with? Maybe you should look for jobs as stand up comics in the year 2004). But after that, The Daily Show proceeded to unveil the NEW Slogan: "Las Vegas. NO ONE LEAVES THIS ROOM MOTHERF#@KER!" Hilarious!

After watching it, I thought to myself. I better switch over to Jay Leno because I bet he IS using the "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" line. Hell, it's probably his big finish!!! Unfortunately, I flipped over too late and he was already onto other topics. I did get to hear this gem though: "Things got even worse for Notre Dame. this week... the fighting Irish mascot was beaten up by a Keebler Elf" ckick here for crowd reaction

Your reigning King of Late Night everybody!

Anyway, I just returned home a little while ago and had a hand-written letter from the landlady waiting for me. These always freak me out because I've been living here for over 3 years and the landlady & I have communicated mayyyybe 3 total times. So, when I get a letter in the mail, I know it's MFin' Serious! And I was right!

Well, sort of. She has to hike my rent $25 (per month). Now, I've won't tell you what I pay in rent but I will say it is over $200 dollars a month less than the next least expensive place I looked at when I got it. Also it is a 1 bedroom whereas some of the other apartments I looked at were studios. And this is the first time the rent has risen the entire time I've been here. So I really don't have too much to complain about. Still, this note made it sound like it was breaking my land-lady's sweet old heart to have to do it. It mentioned how much the heat and oil and taxes and upkeep on the apartment keep costing her more and more and she was like: "what can I do?" and the government was like: "Raise your rent dummy!" (in that snotty tone the gov't always uses!) Well, she went back and forth and back and forth and unfortunately has no other choice but to hike my monthly contribution 25 bucks.

Now, I was at the tail end of a particularly crappy day but I have to tell you I was so touched by her note and the thought of her fighting back tears as she broke the bad news to me. (Nevermind that 25 dollars is what I blow monthly on mistakenly driving over toll bridges... so it's not going to quite bethe dent in my piggy bank she thinks.) Anyway, I was too moved to not reply immediately. I got out my pen and paper and wrote:

"You've got a lot of nerve, granny! This is a complete OUTRAGE and you won't see ONE DIME of it!!!!"

Monday, September 17, 2007

O.J.'s Eleven

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "O.J. was the last person I was expecting to see and when I saw him I was just thinking, 'O.J., how can you be this stupid?'" - memorabilia collector Bruce Fromong

"oh O.J., O.J., O.J."

It's stories like this that make me think there are evil higher powers controlling the news in this country. Are Americans unhappy with the current state of the country? No problem! We'll just distract them! Hmm, what's the most ridiculous news story we could possibly dream up? I know! What's O.J. Simpson doing? Let's send him on an inexplicable Las Vegas heist! And we don't want to leave anything to chance. O.J. himself should show up, guns blazin... and we'll need a tape of the whole thing!!"

That's the only explanation that makes any sense! Not even "O.J. is insane" works this time. No one is THIS insane!!!

Okay, so you probably know the story. The trouble began because someone stole (or maybe bought... details are sketchy) Simpson's prized memorabilia. Now, as you may know, when O.J. is wronged by someone he is at a disadvantage. Because where you or I might enlist the help of the authorities, O.J. once accused them of trying to frame him for double-murder, so they're aren't so quick to help him out. "The police, since my trouble, have not worked out for me" Simpson said. Okay, all other options have been exhausted get me my ski mask and my nine!

Here are three quick questions:
1.) Is there is huge demand for O.J. memorablilia all of a sudden?
2.) Doesn't O.J. owe like 8.2 gazillion dollars to the family Goldman and wouldn't they be the rightful owners of ANY property he might reclaim?
3.)Why is TMZ.com leading the journalistic charge in the O.J. case? I see "O.J. Simpson" and "TMZ.com" and think to myself "Was O.J. seen partying with Paris Hilton sans his underwear?"

Anyway, here are some recent photos:

Look at O.J.'s face. He thinks this is absolutely hilarious (and believe me, it is... but probably not for the reasons he thinks).

Does he think we're all going to be on his side? "Here we go again! What is it with these cops trying to take down O.J. Simpson??"

Oh well, I guess there are some people who are cut out for the world of crime (the Tony Sopranos of the world) and then at the other end of the specturm, there is O.J. and his hand-picked team of criminal masterminds breaking down the door of a Vegas hotel room, screaming "YOU THINK YOU CAN STEAL MY SHIT AND SELL IT!". And then wondering why they were immediately arrested. Ah well...

I guess we should all just sit back and enjoy. It is very rare that the lead story on the news literally makes me fall out of my seat laughing. Thanks O!

p.s. Here's an interesting aside I was unaware of (because I don't follow the news) The Goldman family was given the rights to O.J.'s book "If I did it" and changed the title to "If I did it: Confessions of the Killer". HAH! I love that I live in a country where this it allowed to happen! They should have altered some of the passages too. "I, O.J. Simpson, was extra happy to get rid of my bloody clothes that night... because as it happened I had pissed my pants earlier in the day. So, I got to kill two birds with one stone... pardon the pun."

Monday, September 03, 2007

Oobi!

I found myself awake early today because I need to do laundry and it's gonna take many hours to psyche myself up for it. So, as I was sitting on the couch, I noticed the TiVo red record light on and thought: "Oooooh! Is Saved by the Bell" on?!! I always love it when the TiVo records that as it's "a show we think you might like" suggestion. OF COURSE I'LL LIKE IT! Unfortunately, there was no SBTB today, instead, it was this:

The TiVo is possibly a little bit too smart for it's own good at this point. It's like it's telling me: "We know you're getting up there in your late '20's and our research tells us that you should have a kid by now. Here's something for your child to watch." Very presumptive. I appreciate the TiVo thinking outside the box but the fact is I am still childless and I'm obviously not going to sit down and watch a show geared toward infants!

... or am I?

I started watching Oobi do his thing and was fascintaed. I imagined the big board meeting where the producers of the show announced that they'd spent their entire budget on the theme song. "What do you mean there's no money left over for puppets!?" "Um, just that. There is NO money left!" "Well, we can either delay the start of the show... or we can glue eyeballs onto people's hands and pass that off as our characters" "hmmmm, I love it! Find the employees with the cleanest hands and roll the cameras!"

Before each episode comes a message: "Oobi enhances preschoolers early literacy and math skills". I wish every TV show had a message like that... too tell you the exact purpose of the show. It would allow you to know exactly what you're getting into when you turn on a program. "Becker provides suitable background noise while senior citizens balance their checkbooks."

I think this is the type of shwo I should be trying to come up with... for two reasons. First of all, it doesn't seem too difficult to pen the dialogue for this show. "Ooobi... friend? You friend... You... Oobi... friends!" Also, no one is ever going to question a children's educational program EVER... and it might be just the forum for me to get my radical right-wing message out there. "Oobi... like... gun... love... immigration reform... hate... Al Gore ".

Hmmm...

Well, that plan may need time to ferment. Plus, I need to turn this off because my cats are roling their eyes at me right now. Okay, girls, I'll put on The Early Show for you.